i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
