Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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