I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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