I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
