At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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