I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
