nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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