Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
