I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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