I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
