I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
