I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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