god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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