I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
