last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Less talking, more tequila
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
