Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
