I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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