she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
