So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
