I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i think i have herpe
just one?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
