My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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