So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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