Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
