the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
