I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
