dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
