You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
