she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
