He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
4 words: hood of his car
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
