If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
