There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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