Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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