3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
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