i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
