i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
