i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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