Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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