An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
