There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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