i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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