you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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