Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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