I faked an abortion last night.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
