Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
