On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
