I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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