is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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