Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
