super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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