everyone is single if you try hard enough
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
