My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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