I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
