What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You were trust falling into bushes
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
