My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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