Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
