so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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