sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
