In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
