i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
