So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
