i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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